Day 1...or 2

I should start by explaining that I'm a perfectionist, but not always in a good way. Without realizing it my motto has been "if you can't be the best/do something perfectly, why do it?" and I know that's a pretty crappy way to talk to myself.

There are a lot of things I wish I did better. Or a lot of "natural talent" I wish I had, but don't believe I posses. It's hard to make the overnight switch from that viewpoint to being confident in the abilities I do have, and understanding that through practice and effort I can achieve what I want.

I decided to set small goals & challenges for myself in order to get closer to thinking that way. I'm very passionate about gaming, specifically MMORPGs. I've been playing video games and watching my brother play video games as far back as I can remember, which is probably the Commodore 64 or ColecoVision. I started playing MMOs in high school on my friends' Ultima Online "shards" or what we now call realms or servers. Then it was on to Everquest, Everquest 2, and eventually World of Warcraft. I was a computer science major for two years and then switched to digital media. Eventually I'd like to work in MMO game design, or on the back end doing class balancing mechanics. I like figuring out how things work and min/maxing.

It's funny though. Through all of my time playing MMOs I never pushed myself to be a healer or a tank. It seemed like too much responsibility. For instance, in Everquest 2 I was a dirge, which is an offshoot of the bard class. When I describe who I am in real life, I always come back to feeling like a dirge. Bards don't have exceptional damage per second, but if they play really well they can have nice raid or group output. They can't tank, but they can take a few hits soloing. They can't heal, but they have a few life taps and "oh crap" buttons. They can range a little bit, but do most of their damage in melee range. They're not particularly good on their own, for anything, but they have such incredible group/raid buffs and make everyone else perform so much better that everyone wants them around. Maybe that sounds a bit cocky, but I see myself as the jack of all trades master of none, but still someone you want to be around.

All of that is fine until you're writing your resume or thinking about doing freelance work. It's so fucking hard for me to brag about myself because I just don't think I do anything out of the ordinary. I can help other people, I can fill in the gaps, but please please please don't give me responsibility because I'm so scared I'll mess it up.

Now that I'm 26, almost 27, I've decided that this needs to stop. The first place I can make it stop is in WoW. Hopefully that can give me some of the courage I need to do it in real life. My main character in WoW is a death knight that's always filled the dps role. It's comfortable and safe and I know how to do it, so now it's time for me to push that. Last night I respeced my secondary talent tree and changed it to be a blood tanking spec. I bought some tanking gear, slapped on some glyphs, wrote a few macros and ran some old northrend & burning crusade instances with my friends. I know that's not a challenge at lvl 85 but baby steps! In the beginning it's easier with friends, because even if I mess up I know they won't really care.

Once my friend Sarah gets up to lvl 80-85 I plan on tanking regular dungeons for her, before I ultimately move on to heroics. I'm pretty sure if I can master this - a better way of thinking about myself won't be far off. I'm extremely scared I can't do it, but this time I just have to force myself anyway.

I'll be keeping this tanking journal to record progress, my thoughts along the way, and maybe help other people that feel the same way I do. I know some of the people closest to me don't believe in themselves the way they should...maybe this will help them try, too.